Raging Bull!

I am a raging bull, I admit it: I have a bad temper . :-(

I have family and relatives who are temperamental, but I think they are more short-fused than me. Impatient. Easily angered; you never know when they'll explode. Like walking in a minefield...you never know when they'll blow up, but it's a sure-fire guarantee they will, sooner or later. You can be certain of that with each visit.

Not that I'm any better. I'm not.

I'm the simmering volcanic type! I give no warning either, but my explosion might take days, weeks, months, even years to occur. But when Mount Me explodes...watch out! A hot explosion of fury lava will spill forth, leaving nothing in my path. As hubby put it, I leave no prisoners behind. I get the job DONE!%-0

That's how I was this morning, when I discovered mil "took my job". It's anybody's job to wash (really, rinse), chop, and cook the greens from fil's garden to freeze for storage; she's been doing it for decades, unlike me, who's only been assisting her off and on throughout the years. I did most of it yesterday. Washing all these bags of greens--and other vegetables for that matter, does not bother me. Since there is so much (we ended up with five quart-sized bags to freeze!), it takes a few hours to go through. I find a kind of peace doing that work.

So why did I get all worked up over something so trivial this morning? Feel possessive about it? I deeply resent others when they are possessive of me or something or someone else, but I am guilty of doing the same thing! %-0 This is not to say I think she is possessive of that work--I'm only saying that is how I am.

I can't explain it. I just became uncharacteristically LOUD today. Poor hubby was the messenger between the two of us (only because he went over to their kitchen this morning to soak beans) this morning. He said, "Mom's got almost all of the greens washed; she got to it first thing this morning and hasn't eaten yet". She told him she didn't want me to feel burdened.

WHAT?!

No way! I don't mind at all, and had told her so before. Am I stealing her job? ;-0 We'll have to talk! She had complained before it was like a burden sometimes, with fil bringing home veggies all the time...everyday, for her to take care of. Is it cuz she thought something like that should be done in the early morning? What does it matter what time it is done? (Mind you, I did not tell her that I intended to do it today! I fully intended to do it myself...I just didn't communicate that to her. ;-0)


I'm still very much a night owl; I have my peace at night, always have.

But I can work in the morning, too. After all, I spent years starting work at 6 a.m., and then 5 a.m. because we had early birds in the lab. Insanity!



Anyhoo, I stomped, banged pots and pans, and ranted and raved all morning long! Talking loud--almost shouting the whole time in the kitchen, in part because the commercial fridge and freezer are so darn LOUD, and we turn the radio on loud to drown out the fridge sounds. Hubby certainly didn't have trouble hearing me this morning, while I bagged up the blanched curly kale for the freezer.

My mind was, and is, racing! Hubby calls me a restless spirit on an endless flight (from the Eagle's song. Even with all my ranting, hubby was still loving toward me! Wasn't quite sure what to do with his raving woman who couldn't calm down, though! %-0 He told me to go exercise.

I took my fury out on my bike roller. I was SO RAGING angry, I kept up a maddening pace of 80 rpm (revolutions per minute) for most of the 25 minutes I rolled, even on 2nd gear! Racy symphonic music blasting away helped! I raged and rolled on the bike until after my neck was sopping wet with sweat, and salty sweat got in my eyes and rolled down my nose! %-0

Mil likes working and being outside MUCH better, I think, especially on bright sunny days. It doesn't matter much to me: I'm happy indoors. I don't like, or allow, Mother Nature to dictate my life, but...don't get ME in the hot sun or my tongue will be hotter than the sun itself! %-0

I'll sure we can arrive at an easy understanding...we always have. :-)


In the meantime, I have to work out my RAGE.

Before I went over to help hubby, I put on a cd of Dimitry Shostakovich's louder compositions; I put the volume on as loud as I could stand it. I love his work...it's very intense, often dark and tormented. I can relate to it extremely well!

Cycling on the rollers helped a great deal. It's better than saying unpleasant, hurtful words and verbally stabbing someone forever, isn't it? I can dissipate my boiling anger and build up some leggie muscles at the same time! ;-)

Of course, I was mostly mad that I even got mad, in the first place! Such a trivial matter, washing vegetables!

There are other things that I rage over, such as social injustices, misogyny, etc. That's when I try to cycle my rage away. Pretend I'm rolling over the baddies who take advantage of others, or who try to control the female half of humanity through violence, cultural traditions or laws, or who publicly spew out misogynistic, dumb chatter that demeans, dehumanizes, and perpetuates backward thinking about women.

Doing a lot of reading calms me down. :-) It helps me think more clearly. I LOVE to read works by women who have stood up and out against unjust treatment of women, and of more vulnerable members of society. The more outspoken and brave they were (and are), the more I am inspired by their chutzpah. :-) They are whom I admire, and are the ones who will help me channel my rage.

Alice! Simone! Emma! And all those whom I've yet to discover: sock it (your words of wisdom) to me!! I'm ready to devour your words, to let them nourish and saturate my mind and heart. :-)

I have A LOT of reading to do!...



p.s. #1: I did see the movie Raging Bull...but hopefully, I won't end up being a broken, boozy, overweight, lousy nightclub act! ;-0

p.s. #2: OF COURSE mil and I are friends! I made a mountain out of a molehill! She told me she didn't want me to think she was going to leave all the work to me! I love her! Do I have something going on biologically? Did I not get enough sleep (which can make me unruly and cranky!)?